Repeat after me: "bacon cheeseburger"
The Institute's Evil Subversion Dolls are going beta. They are careful copies of Sara and Dara , the good Islamic dolls that Iran's mullahocracy hopes will displace the Satanic Barbie doll, but with subtle differences.

An infrared sensor can detect the presence of a human in the same room, and discriminate child from adult. Motion and sound sensors measure the human pulse and the cadence of breathing. When cuddled by a child, the doll verifies that no adults or other children are in the room, and waits until the child is in a suggestion-receptive stage of sleep to whisper subversive thoughts, such as "Lipstick is OK," "Imams are so stupid," "when Dad goes on and on about jihad, I just nod, grin, and think yada yada yada," or "if martyrdom is so great why didn't Mom do it?"

Subversive suggestions will be adjusted for the gender of the doll, though the Institute's psychologists note that most suggestions will be effective for both genders.

The beta dolls will carry voice coding for Farsi, to exploit our most receptive test market. The dolls' plastic bodies and faux-retail packaging will withstand the harsh environment of a covert 45,000-foot airdrop.

Full-release models will be shipped to their respective markets through conventional consumer channels, with voice coding and retail packaging in Arabic, Urdu, Dani, Baloch, and Pashto. An on-board receiver downloads additional suggestions and supplemental code through second-audio program and teletext content inserted into the baseband PAL television signal. This enables the Institute to adjust each doll's playback coding to the dialect most frequently heard by its owner, among other adminstrative functions.

The doll's internal battery enables it to place up to 10,000 suggestions during a 3 year service life.

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