Those who would trade liberty for frequent traveler miles . . .
In the mail today:

[edited] Airlines
Frequent Traveler Programs Coordinator

Mr. Fusilier Pundit
[deleted]
Front Range, Colorado 80XXX
Frequent Traveler Account number XXX XXX XXXX

Dear Mr. Pundit,

Thank you for taking the time to answer [edited] Airlines' recent passenger satisfaction survey. We understand your concern, as expressed in the comments section of the survey, regarding the inconveniences and discomforts of Federally-mandated airport security measures. We are committed to giving you the highest possible comfort, safety, and satisfaction with our service, while observing Federal law.

One way to show our commitment to you is our introduction of [edited] Airlines' new Freqent Traveler Security Assurance Plus^sm program, tailored specifically to frequent travelers like you, Mr. Pundit.

In return for a few minutes of your time, to complete an expanded Frequent Traveler profile, we guarantee you an enhanced Passenger Security Screening experience while you receive the level of personal attention that you deserve, both in flight and on the ground.

You will join an exclusive class of Frequent Traveler who receive distinctive complementary travel apparel, designed by today's top fashion consultants---a fresh ensemble every time you enter our Security Assurance Plus^sm Lounge:

• A comfortable and stylish one-piece Tyvek^tm Security Assurance Plus^sm travel pyjama, in distinctive [edited] Airlines orange, custom-marked with your ticket number and name across the shoulders.
  
• Luxurious and convenient underclothes that not only enhance the security of our boarding gates and aircraft, but allow relief in those stressful 30 minutes before your flight lands.
  
• Easy-care nitrate-free travel slippers that allow your feet to breathe on those coast-to-coast flights.
  

Our Security Assurance Plus^sm Lounge staff will screen your street clothing, vacuum-bag it, check it with your luggage and carry-ons, and return it to you in the Security Assurance Plus^sm Lounge at your destination.

After every flight, keep this ensemble as our gift to you, our most valued Frequent Traveler, to wear at poolside, in the workout room, or anywhere you relax during your trip, while quietly showing that you fly in the most exclusive tier of Frequent Travelers.

To enroll, please update your clothing sizes in your travel profile. Fax or mail the attached form, or go online to the [edited] Airlines Traveler Profile page. A sizing chart is provided on the form and at our online profile update page to help you.

Then, the next time you check in for a [edited] Airlines flight, follow the [edited] Airlines orange signs to the exclusive SAP^sm Lounge. The first check-in after enrollment, we ask you to arrive about 15 minutes earlier than usual so we can take front and profile photographs of you for our records.

Other airlines would charge hundreds of dollars per year to offer you this level of attention, convenience, and privilege. But we offer this program to you free of charge, except for a one-time $75 fee for the criminal records background check (double miles if you use an [edited] Airlines credit card). And we'll credit your Frequent Traveler account 200,000 miles when you enroll as a SAP^sm.

As you can see, we're anxious to get you back in the air, Mr. Pundit. Please enroll today.

Sincerely,

Sandra
[edited] Airlines