I brazenly seek and would humbly accept
a nomination for the position of Director of the Transportation Security Administration, under a Reynolds/Lucas ticket.

• E-tickets from API 250 will be honored as the sole necessary qualification for commercial pilots under the Federal Flight Deck Officer program.
  
• FFDOs will use their own sidearms. None of this locked-cabin-box bullshit either; you're trained to shoot it, you wear it.
  
• Uniform alterations to prevent printing will be expensed to the airline.
  
• Passengers: you're getting your Gerber E-Z-Outs back. And your crochet hooks, and any other implements that have been seized. You're not taking your shoes off any more either.
  
• Other reasonable proposals will be entertained.